[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
You Might Also Like
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.