I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
You Might Also Like
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”