[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
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When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.