July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
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Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
(Musicians.)
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?