Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
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I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.