What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
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The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
when someone rings the doorbell
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.