All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
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Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Well, my evening plans are ruined
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Time heals everything 🙂
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.