thanksgiving in nutshell
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Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen