[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
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Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.