“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
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Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
when revenge coincides with naptime
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly