Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
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* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My love language is deader than Latin
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.