Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
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When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary