why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
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totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.