I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
You Might Also Like
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead