[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
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Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Never ghost your hitman.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it