Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
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I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
so much to do
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Hmm, not sure about this change
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.