“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
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My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.