“I FIXED IT!”
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[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”