I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
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It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁