#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
You Might Also Like
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.