Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
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Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.