There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
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The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!