No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
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[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Living the best life.. 😊
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.