I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
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My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Two types of dogs.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!