Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Favourite diary entry ever
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?