I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
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If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
son: Where鈥檚 mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I 鉂わ笍 murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 馃敨 everyone
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
had to make it
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I鈥檒l take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can鈥檛 you just wear a toga?
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]