I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
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[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.