I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
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My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”