rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
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My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Love is always patient and kind.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.