Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
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You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.