I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
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supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
That’s incredible! 👌
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.