Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
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ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I hope Alan is OK
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
The sacred texts.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
My dream job is getting paid to dream