NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
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Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?