I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Who says great literature is dead?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
😜