My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
You Might Also Like
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Things will get butter, keep churning
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”