Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
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back to work
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.