PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
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Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know