Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
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I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Legend 🤣🤣
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down