I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
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If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.