Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
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I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
me and the Superbowl rn
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?