I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
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Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
My wedding will be open casket.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
mood
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM