WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
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There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
British people be like I’m Bri ish
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.