Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
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The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.