20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
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If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Well, this is awkward
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?