I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
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When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.