Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
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good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
The photographer’s assistant
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.