Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
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Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.