“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
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Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Most fashion shows these days…
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
mood
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.