One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
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I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore