I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
You Might Also Like
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.